26. How to Spot Red Flags in Your Birth Team and Protect Your Positive Birth Experience
You wouldn’t invite just anyone to your wedding, so why let just anyone into your birth space?
Spoiler alert: Not everyone wearing scrubs is automatically on your team.
If you’ve got a gut feeling that someone in your birth team is more “meddling mother-in-law” than “ride-or-die best friend,” you might be onto something. And here’s the thing—red flags in your birth team don’t always show up waving wildly. Sometimes, they’re subtle. A dismissive tone here, a side-eye at your birth plan there, and suddenly, you’re feeling like a guest star in your own birth.
But don’t worry—I’ve got you. Let’s talk about how to spot those red flags before they derail your birth experience and how to build a team that actually has your back.
🚩 The "Doctor Knows Best" Vibe
Let’s be clear: Your care provider has medical expertise, but that doesn’t mean they get to steamroll your decisions. If your provider treats your preferences like a toddler treats bedtime (aka completely optional), that’s a problem.
Red Flags to Watch For:
Rolling their eyes or dismissing your birth plan.
Using fear-based language to push interventions.
Acting like informed consent is just a suggestion.
✅ How to Handle It
Ask direct questions: “Can you show me the evidence supporting that recommendation?”
Use the broken record technique: Repeat your preferences until they acknowledge them.
If they still won’t respect your autonomy, it might be time to find a provider who will.
🚩 The "You’ll Just Do What We Say" Energy
If someone on your team treats you like an obedient child instead of an informed adult, run. No, really. If you hear things like, “Oh, we’ll just see what happens” or “You don’t need to worry about that” when discussing your options, that’s a giant red flag wrapped in a hospital gown.
Red Flags to Watch For:
Refusing to discuss all your options, including alternatives.
Dismissing your concerns instead of addressing them.
Avoiding conversations about hospital policies (because they don’t want you to question them).
✅ How to Handle It
Use the B.R.A.I.N. method: Ask about Benefits, Risks, Alternatives, Intuition, and doing Nothing before making a decision.
Call out dismissiveness: “I need you to respect my right to make informed choices.”
Bring a support person who will back you up—whether that’s a doula, your partner, or a birth-savvy friend.
🚩 The "Too Busy for You" Provider
If your care provider treats you like just another name on their schedule instead of an actual human carrying a whole other human, that’s an issue. You deserve time, attention, and answers—not rushed appointments and half-listened-to concerns.
Red Flags to Watch For:
Rushing through appointments without fully addressing your questions.
Not remembering your history or birth preferences.
Shrugging off your concerns with, “That’s normal” (without actually explaining why).
✅ How to Handle It
Keep a list of questions and don’t let them leave the room until they’ve answered them.
If you feel ignored or brushed off, say: “I need more time to discuss this before making a decision.”
If this keeps happening? It might be time to switch providers—yes, even late in pregnancy.
🚩 The "Birth is a Medical Event, Period" Mindset
Yes, birth can be medical. But it’s also a physiological, emotional, and deeply personal experience. If your provider treats birth like a risky surgical procedure from the get-go, rather than a natural process that sometimes needs medical support, you might be in for an intervention-heavy ride.
Red Flags to Watch For:
Pushing induction or interventions without a medical need.
Talking about birth like something that happens to you rather than something you do.
Dismissing physiological birth options (movement, position changes, water birth, etc.).
✅ How to Handle It
Ask, “What is the medical indication for this recommendation?”
Push for evidence-based reasoning. If their answer is “That’s just how we do things”, 🚩.
Make sure your birth team includes someone who does trust birth (hint: this is where doulas shine).
🚩 The "I Know What's Best for You" Crew
You’d think it was their birth the way they’re pushing their own agenda. Whether it’s a doula steering you away from your own preferences, a family member reenacting their birth trauma like it’s a required sequel, or a provider brushing off your wishes—this is a problem.
Red Flags to Watch For:
Constantly steering the conversation back to their experience instead of supporting yours.
Saying things like, “Oh, you’ll change your mind,” when you express your preferences.
Dismissing your birth plan because they think they know better.
✅ How to Handle It
Lay it out: “I appreciate your input, but this is my birth, not a group project. If you can’t respect my choices, you don’t need a front-row seat.”
Surround yourself with people who trust you to make the best decisions for yourself and your baby.
Your Birth, Your Team, Your Call
You are not an adorable side character in someone else’s medical drama—you’re the main character, the director, and the executive producer of your birth. That means you decide who gets a role in your birth team and who doesn’t make the cut.
If you’re spotting more red flags than a theme park on safety violation day, trust yourself. It’s never too late to adjust your birth team to ensure that the people in your space respect, support, and empower you.
And if you want to make sure your birth decisions are rooted in actual research (not just outdated hospital policies), grab my Research Cheatsheet for Expecting Parents—because knowledge is power, and you deserve all of it.
Now tell me—have you ever had to kick someone off your birth team? What was your biggest red flag moment? Drop it in the comments! ⬇️
