44. Birth After Loss: Processing Grief While Preparing for a New Beginning

Written By Faye L

Trigger Warning: This blog contains discussions of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. Reader discretion is advised.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month—a time to honor the babies who never made it home and the families who carry their grief. Loss during pregnancy or in the first year of life is far more common than many realize. In the United States, roughly one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, and about one in every 175 births results in stillbirth. These statistics don’t even account for infant deaths from preterm labor, life-limiting diagnoses, or sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Pregnancy loss touches families of all backgrounds, races, and income levels, and it can happen at any stage of pregnancy or early infancy.

For parents who have experienced such a loss, considering another pregnancy is a journey filled with hope and intense fear. The process can bring grief to the surface in ways that are unpredictable and emotionally exhausting. Yet, it can also offer moments of profound resilience and healing.

In this post, we speak with two moms—Emily Scott (who shares her life on TikTok, showing life on the move with multiple children and navigating life after loss. Find her @theemilyscott on TikTok) and Katie—about their journeys of pregnancy after loss. They candidly share their fears, grief, and the strategies that helped them navigate the emotional rollercoaster of welcoming a new baby after experiencing loss.

Introductions

Emily:
My name is Emily Scott and I am a mom of 5. I had a full term healthy baby, followed by my stillborn daughter, Eleanor, then another full term baby and more recently preemie twins.

Katie:
Hi there, my name is Katie and I am 35 years old. I have been married to my husband, Elliott, for 6 years and we have 3 wonderful boys together, ages 4, 2, and 18 months. I am a stay-at-home-mom and I love getting the chance to watch my boys grow and reach their various milestones.

Can you share a bit about your journey with loss and what it was like to consider pregnancy again afterward?

Emily:
I found out I was pregnant with Eleanor when my oldest was 7 months old. Eleanor's pregnancy was fairly normal until the last month or so when I was experiencing some abnormal symptoms including cramping and contractions. She ended up being stillborn at 31 weeks after I had a placental abruption. We had always said we wanted 4 kids and after she died it was difficult to even consider staying the course, so to speak. My MFM at the time wanted me to ensure I was mentally and emotionally ready before committing to trying for another baby. If loss taught me anything, it is that we can have this idea of what something is like, but you never truly know what something is like unless you have personally and directly gone through it. I knew pregnancy after loss was going to be difficult, but I truly had no idea just how difficult it would actually be. I think you kind of have to just choose to accept that it is going to be hard, there will never be a time when you are 100% ready to go through PAL, but you choose to dive in head first.

Katie:
My husband and I had our first child, Liam, in December of 2020. It was a crazy year with covid but we were excited to be parents and start this new journey. When Liam was about 18 months old, we were ready to start trying for our second child. I already had one perfectly healthy baby boy and a relatively normal pregnancy so I went into trying for this next baby with a very non-chalant attitude that it would take a few months to get pregnant and within a year, we would have our second child. Well, we were quick to conceive and were soon flying high with excitement about finding out the gender of our new baby. I was a teacher at the time, starting a new school year and in planning mode for what was to come. However, instead of being given the news about the gender, we were informed that our new baby had a chromosomal abnormality called Trisomy 18. All I heard over the phone was that babies who had this were born with such severe defects that they were ‘not compatible with life.’ It broke me. Here I was growing a baby that was still alive, but also being told that this baby probably wouldn’t make it past 20 weeks…if he did, he wouldn’t survive birth due to the severe birth defects that come with this syndrome. If they do miraculously survive, they won’t live past a few hours. Processing the idea that I was growing a child that would not survive was gut wrenching and there was nothing I could do to help or save this baby. We found out this news at 12 weeks gestation and his heart stopped beating around 17 weeks. My body did not initiate a miscarriage on its own so I went in to be induced and gave birth to our sleeping boy, Jonathon, in October of 2022. Being given the chance to hold him and say goodbye helped my husband and I in the grieving process. From there, we knew we wanted to try again in the hopes to expand our family but there was a constant underlying fear of this happening again. I just couldn’t lose another child, and I didn’t know how I could survive a second loss.

What emotions or fears surfaced most strongly when preparing for birth after loss?

Emily:
I spent my entire pregnancy after loss fully expecting the worst to happen to us yet again. Every single appointment I braced myself to hear those same, terrible words. I really struggled with feeling like I was closing the chapter on Ellie's life, and I was terrified others would see it as me moving on from her. Every now and then moments of peace with my current pregnancy would poke through and I would feel guilty all over again, like I was "replacing" Eleanor.

Katie:
We finally got pregnant again and within moments of seeing that double line on the test strip, the excitement quickly dwindled and I personally went into panic mode of what if this happens again. I could not shake this idea from my head that there was a chance we’d lose another child and I didn’t know how I would emotionally handle that.

How did your experience of loss shape the way you approached this new pregnancy?

Emily:
I learned to take pregnancy day by day, sometimes minute by minute, especially when scary things did pop up. I wrote affirmation cards to remind myself that it was a different pregnancy, a different baby, a different outcome, that I was made to carry this baby. I tried really to soak in the peaceful moments with my pregnancy a little bit more while being busy with an older living child. After a stillbirth, you are no longer naive to the potential things that can happen during pregnancy. Learning to coexist with knowing these realities firsthand with trying to remind yourself that it is a different baby was something I battled daily.

Katie:
After losing Jonathon and this ‘rainbows and butterflies’ view of what pregnancy is supposed to be, I constantly had a what-if/what’s next moment with my next pregnancy. It was almost like I couldn’t take a single moment to relax and enjoy being pregnant because I was always thinking that I was going to get some kind of terrible news and this third baby wasn’t going to make it to birth. It was a constant countdown of what milestone this next baby had to get to to settle my nerves and know he was going to survive. At first, I told myself that I just needed to get the NIPT results back and I’d be able to connect with the baby and feel ‘safer.’ But my fears never dwindled and I kept moving the milestones back. First the NIPT test, then the 20 week mark, then it became 24 weeks for viability, then 32 weeks, and finally I just told myself I couldn’t accept that this baby was real until he was here and I was holding him in my arms. It was like I constantly had a shield up to protect my heart in case we lost this next baby too. And what was even more surprising is that fear and constant questioning of reality continued with each subsequent pregnancy I’ve had.

Were there moments where grief resurfaced unexpectedly during pregnancy or birth prep? How did you navigate that?

Emily:
I had a couple of scarier moments during my PAL, like when I started bleeding at the beginning of my 2nd trimester. It immediately triggered a trauma response and once it was confirmed that the baby was okay, I found myself reliving and grieving my daughter all over again.Going through the moments I did not get with Ellie were incredibly difficult, like not hitting this gestation or having that appointment. During birth I think I kept my heart as guarded as I possibly could, because I truly thought that baby was not going to come home with us also. I have a video of my birth and you can see the wave of emotion and relief that crossed my face when he first cried.

Katie:
Yes, the grief hit me unexpectedly multiple times throughout the following pregnancies. It still hits unexpectedly. It not something I talk about often (this is the first time I have addressed it so openly) so anytime the topic of miscarriage/stillbirth comes up amongst friends (some knew what I went through but many don’t) or in some kind of public forum, it would make me cry. I also never wanted to discuss it with people because I didn’t want people’s sympathy. That sounds harsh but I was struggling to cope on my own going through this and I didn’t want to figure out how to tell people what happened and then help them cope while learning about it, I guess. Liam was also 3 when I pregnant with this next baby and he understood that he lost a brother prior to this. To this day, he will ask about Jonathon and where he is, and every time he does, it catches me off guard. I have found that finding a way to center yourself when reflecting on that loss helped me through those times of unexpected grief. I wear a necklace with a ‘J’ initial on it as a reminder of him so anytime unexpected grief hits me, I touch it, reflect on the loss and gather myself so I don’t become an emotional wreck in that moment.

What conversations did you have with your partner/family to prepare emotionally for this new chapter?

Emily:
I don't remember there being many conversations about this. The only thing I really remember sharing with anyone was that it was hard and it made me miss Eleanor all over again. Not that it ever left, but it sort of resurfaced in different ways.

Katie:
My husband and I both knew we wanted multiple children, at least 2 at a minimum, so we had that same mindset that we would keep trying. However, we did talk about how we would handle this if it reoccurred and how many times we were willing to try if we kept having losses. We both agreed that if it happened again, we wouldn’t keep going…the idea of grieving one child was gut wrenching and we didn’t know how we would handle doing it a second time so if that were to happen, we would have stopped trying.

What are some common misconceptions people have about pregnancy after loss?

Emily:
The most obvious one to stand out is that a new baby will "heal" a parent from losing a previous baby. Babies do not replace babies. Another one is that it is a normal pregnancy, there is nothing different. Which is so untrue, everything is so different and it is not a normal pregnancy in any way. The appointments are scarier, there are so many more of them, more conversations with different medical professionals ensuring your mental wellbeing is okay.

Katie:
I think my biggest misconception was that I held onto this fear and idea that it was going to happen again. Everyone kept telling me that it wouldn’t, the chances were so low, but I could not believe that. So really I guess it’s the misconception that if one pregnancy had a problem with it, all other pregnancies would too.

What advice would you give to someone currently preparing for birth after loss?

Emily:
Know that it is going to be hard, and expect it to be even harder than you think it will be. Lean on your support people. Honor all of your feelings. Allow yourself to sit with your emotions and feelings, physically write them down somewhere and get them out of your head. And then sit down and write out some affirmations, manifest a different and positive outcome. Take all the photos, bump pics and videos. Find a doctor that really knows stillbirth. My MFM's focus is stillbirth and it was comforting to be surrounded by medical professionals who were hypersensitive to pregnancy after loss.

Katie:
One piece of advice I would give is to try and remember that just because it happened once, doesn’t mean it will happen again. Try and enjoy the pregnancy and birth. Don’t do what I did and be in a constant state of fear that you will lose this baby too. Enjoy the pregnancy, relax, and connect with that baby you’re growing.

How can friends, doulas, or care providers best support families navigating this unique experience?

Emily:
Let the families dictate how things will go. If they seem to want to talk, be willing to sit and listen. If they want to keep to themselves, head down and just push through, be okay with that. It is their journey and that needs to be respected. Provide reassurance, provide resources when appropriate, allow for extra appointments.

Katie:
I think it’s important to remember that everyone handles loss and grief differently. There isn’t one hard set way to approach someone who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth. Be there for them when they need someone to talk to, don’t force your experience of pregnancy/birth on them, and don’t act like you know exactly what they are going through. And even more important, don’t be surprised by how they are grieving or processing a new pregnancy.

Looking back, what surprised you most about yourself in this process of grief and renewal?

Emily:
I still cannot believe I got through that first PAL. To be completely honest, I don't remember a lot of it. I really was just treading water through it. The emotional rollercoaster, celebrating the smaller milestones, going through the harder ones. It is still surprising to me how strong a loss mom can be. I was not prepared to go through PAL. I found out I was pregnant 10 months after Ellie died, and I do not know if that was enough time. I wish I had worked through some of my grief a bit more before getting pregnant again. I don't think a parent is ever truly ready again. After my son was born, I officially made peace with Eleanor's death. I had accepted it long before then, but I finally felt peace wash over me. I am fully aware she is always with us and have accepted the ways in which she is now present in our daily lives. Her place in our family feels more settled and consistent, and I am convinced that she is constantly watching over all of her siblings.

Katie:
I really am surprised at how much I let that loss impact subsequent pregnancies. When we initially got the diagnosis of Trisomy 18, every doctor and specialist we saw all told me that there was nothing I did that caused this; that it was the ‘perfect storm’ of circumstances that caused the mutation of the chromosomes. Despite this, I could never let my guard down throughout my following pregnancies. I could not let my rational brain take hold and drive those fears away.

Pregnancy after loss is never a straight path. It’s a journey of grief, fear, resilience, and hope. Both Emily and Katie remind us that it’s okay to feel all of the emotions—pain, guilt, fear, and even joy. Each pregnancy after loss is different, and each parent’s process is unique. Lean on your support system, honor your emotions, and take things day by day. Your grief does not make your new pregnancy any less joyful, and your new baby does not replace the one you lost.

It’s also important to remember that you are not alone—there are others who understand what you’re going through and are willing to support you. Connecting with supportive communities, bereavement groups, and knowledgeable professionals can make a meaningful difference. Some helpful resources include:

If you feel it would help, consider reaching out to a doula or counselor trained specifically in pregnancy after loss—having someone who truly understands the emotional complexity of this journey can provide invaluable guidance and support.

With compassion, understanding, and patience for yourself, this chapter can become a story of healing, love, and resilience.

Faye L
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